


Topdrop

by alley_oops, jennandanica



Series: Citadel: Luke Evans and Alex Skarsgard [189]
Category: Actor RPF, Citadel (Journalfen RPG), True Blood RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-26
Updated: 2018-03-26
Packaged: 2019-04-08 13:32:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14106483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alley_oops/pseuds/alley_oops, https://archiveofourown.org/users/jennandanica/pseuds/jennandanica





	Topdrop

  
**players only. takes place the day after[the twins got sick and the boys had their scene interrupted.](http://citadel-luke.dreamwidth.org/9846.html)**

"Just a little more, sweetheart," Alex croons softly, wiping Kaja's chin with a soft cloth and offering her bottle again. "You're almost there." When she latches on once more, he scoops up a spoonful of cold cereal for himself, despite having no appetite. Mindful that if she gets colicky after her feeding then this might be his last chance for hours to sit down.

"You look exhausted," Luke says, coming into the kitchen, Rhys asleep in the Baby Bjorn, tucked against his chest. "You should go back to bed. I can finish with Kaja," he offers, moving a few dishes into the dishwasher.

"She's almost done," Alex replies, glancing over. "How's he this morning?" Setting the bottle on the table, he lifts her to his shoulder.

"He's good," Luke says with a laugh and a smile, kissing the top of Rhys's head. "Took his bottle and promptly passed out again. I was going to put him back in his crib but..." he shrugs. He's enjoying walking around like this.

Alex smiles faintly, watching his husband and his son together. "You're a natural. I knew you would be."

"So are you," Luke points out, coming around the island and dropping a kiss on Alex's head as well.

He's got no energy to argue, so Alex gives a quiet noncommittal noise instead. Patting Kaja's back, he gets to his feet and clears the few dishes from the table. "He fell asleep for you... D'you think she will, too?"

"I can try," Luke says, taking Kaja from Alex. "I'll see if I can get them both down." He tucks her against his shoulder, making sure she's not kicking her brother in the head, and moves down the hall to the nursery.

Alex watches him go, marveling anew that Luke chose _him_ , out of the billions of people in the world who he could've picked. And he frowns.

In just a few minutes he's freshly showered, teeth brushed... and crashing right back into bed.

Both babies down, Luke goes in search of Alex, a little surprised to find him back in bed, having heard the shower running. He curls up around Alex again, arm snugged tight around his waist, lips brushed across his shoulder, an unconscious echo of earlier this morning.

Unlike earlier, however, Alex doesn't reach out and complete the embrace. Somehow it just feels like too much work. He burrows deeper into his pillow instead and shuts his eyes tightly.

Luke naps for a bit but eventually he stirs again, Alex seemingly still asleep. He glances at the clock and sighs. They're definitely off schedule today but with the twins being sick last night and still running slight temperatures this morning, he guesses it's all for the best. He peeks into the nursery then tiptoes back to bed, plumping his pillow against the headboard before picking up the book he's been working away at the past three months.

Alex dozed fitfully, on and off, and by now he's thoroughly bored of being in bed. So he sits up and nods towards the book in Luke's hands. "You're still trying to get through that one? I'm amazed you haven't given up on it yet."

Luke sighs and drops the book to his lap. "I really should," he says. "I should probably try something lighter, fiction... I know Elin mentioned mummy brain. Do we get dad brain?" He smiles.

"Yeah. I read about that." Alex clasps his hands together and stretches his arms above his head, sighing out a breath. "Not because of the hormones, obviously. But it's a sleep thing. A stress thing. Destroys short-term memory and all that shit." He slumps back against the headboard, drawing his knees up. "Fucks with your judgment."

"Yeah." Luke leans over for a moment, putting his head on Alex's shoulder before he sits up again. "I'm sorry about last night," he says, but only because it's the first chance they've actually got to talk.

Alex searches his husband's eyes, perplexed. "Sorry for what?"

"Not being able to help with Kaja and Rhys," Luke says. "Leaving you to deal with everything."

"Oh." Alex shrugs. "It's okay. That's my job."

"That's true," Luke agrees, "and it made me feel good to know you could handle it on your own, that you're one of those dads who can step up to plate when needed, but you didn't need a third kid and I felt like that last night."

"Don't worry about that, _älskling_ ," Alex says with a shake of his head. He takes Luke's hand, linking their fingers. Shutting his eyes, he tips his head back to rest against the wall. "Fuck. All this is actually even more exhausting than I ever thought it would be."

Luke smiles. "That's what everyone says."

"Good. Then I guess we're doing it just right." _Yeah. Right._

Luke frowns. "What's wrong?"

Glancing sidelong at his husband, Alex shakes his head. "Nothing. I'm just tired."

"You don't sound just tired," Luke says, pointing out, "You sound unhappy."

"No, I'm–" Pulling his hand away, Alex scrubs his fingers over his eyes. "I just don't feel good. Like, my bones feel heavy. Something. It's nothing." He looks over at the baby monitor on Luke's night table, its lights calm and steady. "I need some more sleep, that's all," he decides and lies down once more, tugging a blanket up to his shoulders.

"Maybe you're coming down with what the babies have," Luke says, reaching over to place his hand on Alex's brow.

"Maybe, yeah," Alex answers, closing his eyes once more. But he can't relax, and stars of light seem to pinwheel behind his eyelids, stabbing into his brain. When he speaks again, his words are a bare whisper. "I'm sorry about yesterday. I'm sorry I hurt you."

Luke frowns again, confused. "What do you mean?"

Great, so Luke is going to make him spell it out. Alex grimaces and says, "The cock whipping. And fucking you when I knew I'd already licked away most of your prep. I hurt you, and then I didn't take care of you afterwards, and that was fuckin' irresponsible. I should know better. If I'm not going to be able to finish a scene right, then I shouldn't even start one."

"We couldn't know the babies were going to be sick," Luke points out. "But yes, I had a rough time coming up and you needed to prioritize and that was the twins. _Rightly_ so," he says, his tone firm. "So... in the future, we don't scene as hard when we don't have backup or a someone looking after them, period. And maybe we work on seeing whether there's a cue or something we can do to help me come up more quickly when needed."

God, trust Luke to immediately try and come up with a _solution_ – sometimes Alex just needs to wallow in his self-doubt. "I'm not good at this anymore, Luke," he insists, turning away and dropping his head into his hands. "I don't think I can be both people and really be good at either one."

"But you are," Luke insists in return. "You're just overwhelmed after a long rough night."

"Damn right I'm overwhelmed," Alex mutters, pinching the bridge of his nose hard. The fuzzy pulse of pain behind his eyes is becoming a sharp throb. But he can hope that the vicious headache will keep him distracted from the desolation he feels peeking in around the edges. Because goddamn it all to hell, he will _not_ cry.

Luke leans in closer and wraps his arms around Alex. "I love you," he whispers fiercely. "And I know you don't believe me but you are doing a fantastic job. You're an amazing husband, a wonderful sir, an awesome father, and you _are_ handling all those things well even if it doesn't seem feel it. I wouldn't bullshit you, you know that, and you didn't get a proper ending to that scene we did last night either. I think we're just having an off-kilter day and that's okay. We're doing right by the twins, we're not neglecting them. Who cares if we sleep all day and never get out of our pjs?" He chuckles. "People do this, we're _allowed_ to do this, but you have to stop taking the whole world on yourself every time things aren't perfect."

Screwing his eyes shut tight, Alex blows out a slow breath. Then he crosses his arms around himself and hugs Luke back. Completing the embrace. Making them a solid functioning being once more. "I feel like I have to be perfect," he confesses in a whisper. "Like, we're juggling so many different things right now, and if I let it be a reality that I make mistakes, then shit will just start raining down on us right and left. And if it starts, maybe it won't stop."

Luke nods. "I know what you mean but you're not in this alone. We're in it together and we'll cover each other and work together and yeah, we'll fuck up, but our parents fucked up with us. You need to ask your mum and dad. I bet they have a million stories of mistakes they made with you kids. The one huge blessing in parenthood is that 99% of the things you do wrong aren't a big deal. And the other 1% almost never happen at all." He grins, kissing Alex's shoulder. "And the twins have several years to go before they'll even be able to remember anything we mess up."

"We'll remember, though," Alex mutters ruefully. He hugs his husband tighter, and twists around to look up and meet Luke's eyes. "I really would lose my goddamn mind without you."

"I know," Luke nods solemnly then grins, eyes twinkling. "I love you."

Wonder of wonders, that actually draws a small smile from Alex. "Yeah," he says, and teases right back, "lucky me."


End file.
